The Stomach Diaries

In my last email to my brother, I revealed in detail a little health problem that has recently unleashed with some vigor in my body. In order to remain as discreet as possible, I will just attach his eloquent reply and allow you intelligent readers to "decipher" the malady with which I am currently afflicted: "Aaah, the runs. More important than the mental imagery, of course, is the fact that you have finally arrived in India. I'm sure you thought you were there before, but no, it is the runs that announce your arrival." Discreetness aside, I am both appalled and humbled by the sad truth of his statement.

I must admit that I have been fairly cavalier with my eating and drinking habits since I arrived here three weeks ago. I vigilantly did the bottled water thing until on day three (!), I noticed that every tap that I came into contact with had a silver Aquaguard filter attached. Aquaguard is an internationally-approved UV water filtration system that my two workmates Katie and Flora were drinking from heartily without any sign of malaise. I figured that if Aquaguard wasn't going to be okay with my weak little American body, I would know within six hours when my bowels protested, and I quickly downed a full liter of Aquaguard water after lunch one day when the temperature soared to 104 degrees. Nothing happened. Nothing happened when I ate at local places where the food was cheap and hot, nothing happened when I drank the water in restaurants after asking the waiters if it was Aquaguard water, nothing happened when I really wanted the chicken biryani and so abandoned my five-week pledge of vegetarianism because it had seemed safer, nothing happened when I bought bhel-puri from a street seller because it smelled really good, nothing happened when I ate half a kilo of mithai (with some help) ingesting what must have been a good half-pound of ghee. It seemed that I was immune to stomach distress AND jet lag. My good fortune seemed endless!

And then I ate a little bit of the butter chicken that had been in the fridge for four days. And like the dry heat that has disappeared in the last week, the day after the butter chicken (B.C.) was consumed (five days ago now), so disappeared my good fortune. Here is the timetable of events that followed:

1 day post B.C.: Tummy is off but can't figure out what's going on. Had Indian Chinese for lunch with Katie and Flora: Hakka noodles, fried rice, sweet and sour vegetables. Cooling monsoon weather has revived hunger that had disappeared upon arrival in Mumbai. Skipped dinner because still full from lunch and tummy still feels funny.

2 days post-B.C.: Tummy officially off. Despite obvious warnings, tried to ignore rumbling and enthusiastically ate a veg. club sandwich (had masala, nothing club sandwich-y about it at all), a large slice of black forest cake (when was I going to find that again!?!) and drank a Limca at lunch despite stomach's cramping protests. Ended the day with consolation to poor tummy, a sweet lassi that felt benign but a little mocking.

3 days post B.C.: Paid for cavalier treatment of tummy this morning. Definitely had some runs. Did not eat anything but toast and a banana all day. Wish I could buy tummy something really fantastic to apologize, like new tummy shoes or really great tummy necklace. Have weird fever, have not succumbed yet to the Immodium; skipped work today and slept a lot.

4 days post B.C.: Woke up with fever and more runs. Skipped work again and slept all day. Had a couple slices of toast and drank Sprite; finally took Immodium.

5 days post B.C (today): Woke up feeling much better. Tummy producing normal tummy noises and normal tummy output. Had more toast this morning and then ventured to Colaba with Jenny for our "American Day." Had first real meal in days: veg personal pan pizza at Pizza Hut, a chocolate chip cookie at delicious new bakery, and one large Pepsi. Also saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith (brief aside: cameo by Adam Brody caused Jenny and I to clutch one another in glee; this being India, the O.C. has not made it this far yet, so our squeals of delight were completely out of place.) At end of movie, tummy feeling sort of off, bloated and a little gross. Jump onto moving train (first time!) to arrive in at apartment in Sion with electricity off and a wedding taking place outside. Listen to neighbors and chill in underwear, waiting for power to come back on so fan will work again. Power finally revives and tummy unexpectedly lets loose with more runs (pizza? cookie? what was it?). Took more Immodium and drinking apple juice to keep fluids up. Humbled by tummy. Humbled.

So now I am vowing to eat nothing but plain rice, bananas, and toast until this goes away, which is where you all come in. Nothing but plain, bland, boring, yawn-inducing food, okay? And be firm with me. I can be persuasive when I want something so don't let me talk you out of it.

Remember, I'm counting on you.